The Art of Really Listening: A Simple Exercise to Help You Feel More Connected

"The experience of being listened to... and the experience of being loved ...are so close that sometimes it's impossible to tell the difference" - David Augsburger

What a beautiful thought. And one that captures something deeply important about our relationships.

We all want to feel heard. Not just have someone listen to the words we're saying, but really get what we're trying to communicate. To feel that someone is interested in our experience, curious about our inner world, and willing to take the time to understand us.

And yet, for something so important, most of us aren't particularly good at listening!

While the other person is talking, we're often busy preparing our response. We might be thinking about how to defend ourselves, explain our own position, offer some advice, or point out something they've misunderstood.

Sometimes we're so busy getting ready to speak that we barely hear what the other person is saying. And this becomes especially tricky in our closest relationships, where emotions can run high and we have a lot invested in being understood ourselves.

The trouble is, when both people are fighting to be heard, often neither person feels listened to.

Listening to understand, not to respond

One of the most valuable relationship skills we can develop is the ability to put our own perspective aside for a little while and give someone else our full attention.

Not to agree with them. Not to fix anything. Not to decide whether they're right or wrong.

Simply to understand.

This is an important distinction. We can understand someone's experience without sharing their interpretation of events. We can acknowledge their feelings without accepting blame or agreeing with everything they say.

And something rather lovely can happen when we feel genuinely understood. We often become less defensive, less insistent, and more open to hearing the other person's experience too.

Feeling heard can be wonderfully soothing. It helps us feel less alone with whatever we're carrying, and creates a sense of safety and connection between us.

But good listening takes practice.

So here's a simple exercise I often share with couples in my counselling practice. It's inspired by the principles of Nonviolent Communication, developed by Marshall Rosenberg, and it can be useful in all sorts of relationships.

The Walk & Talk Exercise

A little practice in the art of listening.

The idea is simple. You take turns speaking and listening, with one very important rule: the listener's job is to understand and reflect back what they've heard, rather than respond with their own point of view.

Walking together can make this feel a little easier. You're side by side rather than face to face, there's a natural rhythm to the conversation, and the movement can help take some of the intensity out of talking about difficult things.

Step 1: Go for a walk together

Choose a point about five minutes away. It can be shorter if you prefer - even two or three minutes is a good place to start.

Agree that one person will speak on the outward journey, and the other will listen.

The speaker chooses something that's been on their mind. It might be something difficult in the relationship, a worry, a frustration, or an experience they'd like their partner to understand better.

It's often useful to choose something about the relationship, but if you're new to the exercise, you might want to start with something less emotionally charged.

Step 2: One person speaks. The other simply listens.

This is where the real practice begins!

The speaker has the opportunity to talk without being interrupted.

The listener's job is to give their full attention. No defending, explaining, correcting, offering advice, or telling their own version of events.

You can ask gentle questions to help you understand, such as:

• "Can you tell me a little more about that?"

• "What was that like for you?"

• "I'm not sure I quite understand. Could you explain that a bit more?"

But do all you can to resist the temptation to turn the conversation towards your own experience. Stay with theirs.

For these few minutes, your job is simply to understand the other person's world.

Step 3: Turn around and reflect back what you heard

When you reach your agreed turning point, it's time for the listener to speak.

But here's the important bit: you're not giving your response to what you've heard.

Instead, you're going to try to reflect back the speaker's experience as accurately and generously as you can.

You might begin with:

• "What I'm hearing is that you've been feeling..."

• "It sounds as though what was particularly difficult for you was..."

• "I think you're wanting me to understand that..."

• "Have I got that right?"

The original speaker can gently clarify anything that has been missed or misunderstood - kindly.

The listener then tries again, incorporating what they've learned.

Remember, this is not an opportunity to argue about the facts or debate whose interpretation is correct. This exercise is for connection, not further divisiveness. Be appreciative that your partner is trying. They'll not get it perfect, and neither will you.

You're simply checking whether you've understood.

And then you arrive back where you started.

Step 4: Swap roles

Now it's the other person's turn.

Take another short walk, following exactly the same process.

One person speaks without interruption, and the other listens with the intention of understanding.

At the turning point, the listener reflects back what they've heard.

Both people get the experience of being heard, and both get the opportunity to practise listening.

A few things to remember

Understanding is not the same as agreeing.

This is probably the most important thing to remember. You don't have to agree with someone's perspective to acknowledge that it's their experience. Their feelings and interpretations may be different from yours, and that's okay.

Resist the urge to fix things.

Many of us leap into problem-solving because we care. But sometimes our attempts to help can leave the other person feeling that we haven't really heard them. For this exercise, put your solutions aside.

Listen for feelings, not just facts.

Try to hear what's happening emotionally for the other person. What's been difficult? What's mattered to them? What might they have been needing or longing for?

Be curious rather than defensive.

If you hear something uncomfortable, notice the urge to explain yourself or push back. See whether you can stay curious a little longer. Your own perspective matters too, but right now you're practising making room for theirs.

Take notes if it helps.

Some people find it useful to jot down a few words while listening, particularly if they find it hard to remember everything. Just make sure you're noting what the other person is saying, rather than preparing your rebuttal!

Start small and be kind to each other.

Listening well is harder than it sounds, particularly when there's hurt or frustration between you. Treat this as an experiment, not a test. If things become heated, take a break and try again another time.

The gift of being understood

What I particularly love about this exercise is that it asks us to do something both simple and surprisingly difficult: temporarily set aside our own need to be understood so that we can truly understand someone else.

And when someone offers us that kind of attention, it can feel like a tremendous gift.

There's something deeply reassuring about hearing another person reflect our experience back to us and thinking, Yes. That's it. You get me.

Nothing has necessarily been solved. You might still disagree. The circumstances might be exactly the same.

But something important has happened between you. You've made contact. You've felt seen. And often, that's where connection and repair begin. So perhaps next time you have a few minutes together, go for a walk. And practise the beautiful, sometimes challenging, art of really listening.

Because being heard matters. And learning to listen well is one of the most loving things we can do for each other.

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