3 Questions To Help Couples Feel Seen, Known, and Connected

I recently came across an idea from relationship coach Derek Hart that I really appreciated; and it aligns closely with what I know to be true about connection and human nervous systems!

The suggestion was that after a brief “landing period” when partners arrive home (a few minutes to decompress and settle), these three simple questions can help you set the scene for a more connected evening. They’re simple, but each one does something important:

1. “I’m glad you’re home.”

This is more powerful than it sounds. It’s not a question or a request; it’s a clear, undemanding expression of welcome. In a world where most interactions are transactional, this lands as you matter to me simply because you’re here. That sense of being received - without expectation - helps the nervous system settle and opens the door to connection.

2. “What’s one thing from today that stuck with you?”

This is where things deepen. Unlike “how was your day?” (which often leads to “fine”), this question invites reflection. It asks your partner to scan their internal world and notice what had impact upon them - what stood out emotionally, mentally, or relationally.

And this is the gold!

It’s in these small bits of information, on evoking a reflection of their inner world that we really come to know someone. Their disappointments, their wins, what moved them, what stayed with them. When couples stop being curious about each other, couples often drift into a sense of being strangers to one another.

This question reopens that door. It says, "I’m interested in your inner world, not just the facts of your day".

Over time, these small sharings are what builds a sense of being deeply known. They are a relational invitation.

3. “Here’s something I was thinking about you today…”

This one often requires the most intention - you'll need to notice yourself! It goes far beyond "I was thinking about you today"... and it offers your partner something specific - tangible evidence that he or she exists in your mind even when they’re not physically present.

And that matters more than we might realise.

Many people carry an unspoken question in long-term relationships: Do I still cross your mind? Hearing a specific thought - something remembered, appreciated, or even wondered about - answers that question in real time.

All three together take less than two minutes, but they all touch on something fundamental:

• Feeling welcomed

• Feeling known (and seeing their desire to know you and your inner world - btw: here's a link to a stunning & relevant book!), and

• Feeling held in someone else’s mind.

And when those needs are met consistently, connection tends to follow.

Hilary Jackson - goodTherapy Counselling

www.goodtherapy.nz

April 2026