Adaptive Child or Wise Adult - Who is Running Your Relationship?

Most of us are familiar with the idea of an inner child... a part of us that still carries hurts and unmet needs from long ago. A component of this inner child is something less spoken of, and yet very influential in our relationships: the Adaptive Child.

Children are very resourceful, and when needs weren’t met, when it wasn’t safe to be themselves, to speak, or to be vulnerable, they found ways to adapt. These strategies, while perhaps 'working' during childhood to keep us safe, simply do not translate well into well functioning adult relationships.

How the Adaptive Child shows up (the deep roots of the past)

Here are some pretty common ways you might see your or your partners adaptive child showing up in your relationship:

• Withdrawal and stonewalling. Pulling back, going silent, or shutting down when things feel overwhelming or unsafe.

• Pouting or Sulking. A way of expressing hurt without words - where you clearly signal distress, but you avoid vulnerability.

• Fierceness and Attack. Meeting conflict with raised voices, anger, or hostility... it's better to be loud than to be ignored.

• Perfectionism. Trying to stay safe by “getting it right” all the time - and/or needing others to get it right all the time too. There's no room for mistakes (in yourself or in others), and again no space for vulnerability (yours, or theirs).

• Black-and-White Thinking. The world of the adaptive child tends to disavow grey areas. People, situations etc are right or wrong, good or bad, safe or unsafe. Wider context gets lost

• Unbridled Self-expression. Letting everything out - every frustration, every thought, without pause or filter or any thought as to how your communication might be recieved. This might feel like "you're just being honest" or "just sharing your truth", however it almost always overwhelms the other person and creates further disconnection.

• Control or Rigidity. If things feel ordered and controlled, then maybe the chaos of childhood won’t come back. And so the adaptive child will tend to try to control people, situations, and environments.

As you can see, these strategies will keep you stuck in Me vs. You dynamics, pushing you and your partner further away from the healthy connected relationships that we all truly desire - and deserve!

Meeting the Wise Adult

Terry Real from the Relational Life Institute invites us to remember something very very important: we are an individual beings living in a relational context.

The part of ourselves which knows how to live relationally is what he calls The Wise Adult.

This is not some perfect, saintly self; it's a grounded, flexible, and Relational self that exists in all of us. It's the part that knows how to maintain and protect our relationships. In conflict situations, The Wise Adult helps us to stand up for ourselves in ways that ensure we continue to stay connected (when we uses adaptive child strategies, we will tend to invite disconnection).

What does the Wise Adult look like in practice?

• Pausing before reacting. Taking a breath instead of letting the adaptive child run wild. Choosing a considered response over an old reflex.

• Staying connected in conflict. Speaking honestly, but with care. Naming what’s happening without either attacking or retreating / withdrawing.

• Honouring the “Us.” Remembering that a relationship isn’t a battleground of me vs. you but a partnership where both needs matter.

• Being Flexible. Willing to bend, compromise, or change course instead of insisting on rigid control.

• Showing Vulnerability. Owning feelings: “I feel hurt,” “I feel scared”...instead of hiding behind our reactivity - whether thats withdrawl / silence, anger, or perfectionism.

• Practising Repair. When mistakes happen (and they will), the Wise Adult can apologise, make amends, and reconnect.

• Choosing Warmth. This is where we can get better at leaning into kindness, generosity, and humour instead of staying on the battleground of defensiveness.

A Pathway Forward

From there, the task becomes Relational: learning to hold onto "Us" - the biosphere of the relationship in which we both exist - choosing this in moments where it would be easier to slip back into Me vs. You.  

At the heart of it all is this: as humans we are wired for connection. The more we can connect with our Wise Adult, we put ourselves in the best place possible to do our part in the weaving of healthy relationships. Where, from the place of our Wise Adult self, we actively create more of the safety and flexibility that will make healthy connection possible.

Hilary Jackson

Please watch this 6 minute video from the Relational Life Institute for a great explanation of all this!

Shifting Out of Your Adaptive Child into Your Wise Adult