The Still Face Experiment Meets Adult Love

Many of the couples I see in the course of my work are negatively impacted by the anxious / avoidant attachment dance. I have this dynamic in my own life, and I know very personally that it is not an easy one to navigate!

(If you're new to attachment styles, here's a really useful online test you can do - it's such a useful thing to know about oneself, and there's around 60 yrs of solid social science research to back up its validity!)

Today I was sitting in the sun, reading a really cool book, and the name Dr Edward Tronick was mentioned. Interesting guy. A renowned developmental and clinical psychologist who has been internationally recognised for creating the Still Face Experiment back in the mid 1970's.

It's disturbing.

It clearly demonstrates the critical importance of emotional connection between babies and their caregivers. I went & hunted down a short 3 min video which demonstrates it - you can watch it here.

My light-bulb moment about the Anxious/Avoidant Dance

As I watched, I realized with a jolt of anxious-attachment recognition: that is exactly how I feel when my Avoidant partner shuts down - ie: offering logic or solutions when I first need empathy, stonewalling during conflict, or retreating into silence when emotions run high. As I watched that baby, the recognition was so striking, and so embodied, that I knew I wanted to write about it.

As you'll see in the video, a mother first interacts playfully with her baby; then turns away and presents a completely still and blank face. Within seconds the baby becomes distressed. When nothing works, the baby’s distress turns to despair. It's almost unbearable to watch.

It really captures what I think happens on the inside of many Anxious partners when their Avoidant partner withdraws or stonewalls. It’s not just mild discomfort: it feels like visceral panic. This isn’t about being too emotional or needy. It’s our biology and nervous systems. Our attachment systems are wired to seek connection and responsiveness from the person we love. When that responsiveness disappears, our whole body protests.

For the Avoidant partner, the experience is often the opposite. They withdraw not because they don’t care, but because emotional intensity can feel overwhelming. Shutting down can be a way of regaining control and safety.

The trouble is this: while withdrawal soothes the Avoidant, their primary self-soothing strategy terrifies the Anxious partner.

Both people are engaged in strategies of self-protection: and both have very different ways of seeking it. It is not that Avoidant partners are cold or uncaring; just that due to their attachment histories, they have learned that distance feels safer than emotional intensity. The reason I am writing this is that I think it is important that they can come to know the impact of that strategy: I am here to passionately advocate for learning to live Relationally!

When an Avoidant partner shuts down (often through defensiveness or refusing to talk) the Anxious partner’s distress isn’t “drama.” It’s a primal panic response. Just like the baby in Tronick’s experiment, who tries harder and harder to reconnect, the Anxious partner’s pursueing behaviours come from fear, not control (though it can feel that way).

Understanding this can help couples change these dynamics.

How can the Anxious Partner care for their Avoidant Partner?

There are things an Anxious partner can do to help to reduce the likelihood of that shutdown - though I’ll be really honest, it’s really hard work for us! However this is important and so we need to work with it. When you feel that awful wave of abandonment-panic rising, try to pause and take a few grounding breaths before you speak.

Speak slower and softer than your panicking body wants to. Instead of leading with accusation (“Why do you always shut me out?”), lead instead with vulnerability (“I’m starting to feel that panic when I can’t feel you here". ).

This kind of language signals safety to an Avoidant nervous system that will usually be bracing for criticism or engulfment. Whether these are real or simply percieved, it's all the same to the nervous system!

It can be very common for the Anxious partner to feel 'they are the only one trying' but learning to regulate these knee-jerk anxious responses - even a little - can be the difference between connection and collapse. Over time, this can teach the Avoidant partner that emotional moments can be survived together, rather than escaped from.

How can the Avoidant Partner care for their Anxious Partner?

The Avoidant partner in return, needs to stay (even minimally) engaged whilst feeling the need to take space. For example: “I need a break. I care about you... and I will come back”.

This will help to calm the anxious partner’s abandonment alarm in seconds.

Staying engaged when you want to run / get defensive / stonewall - this is really hard work for you too, but this is the Avoidant partners side of the work of Relational Mindfulness.

Relational Mindfulness - Caring for the "We"

Relational Mindfulness is about prioritising the protection of the connection, rather than "protecting myself alone", which is what those automatic responses are focused on.

As I've outlined above, each attachment style has different strategies for protecting the "I", and what is needed from both is to step outside of those automatic fear-driven attachment reactions and instead choose actions where we are more centred in caring for The Biosphere of the Relationship, This is what is needed to build a strong container, where we can move toward a truly mature connection.

How Each of Us Can Help Soften the Cycle

I’ll be honest with you. I find this dance exhausting at times. Understanding all this stuff about attachment styles blah blah ad infinitum... yeah I guess it helps, but living it is quite another matter. I find that it does help me to remember that when things get hard between us that we both protecting something. When I can see the scared child behind his avoidant defensive withdrawals, and he can see the frightened child behind my anxious reactions, it's far more likely that something may soften.

We have different tasks ahead of us:

Anxious Partner: Resist those powerful urges to pursue, blame, or cling. When the abandonment panic rises, focus on self-regulation in the ways that work best for you. Reduce the chasing and demanding, slow down. Focus on connecting, maybe without words... or just take some space to calm yourself down first. All this builds safety for your partner.

Avoidant Partner: Resist those strong impulses to withdraw, dismiss, stonewall, or criticise. Focus on self-regulation as you take space, and offer reassurance with words, a hug or gentle physical touch. Most importantly, make sure you come back to the issue once you’ve calmed. All this builds safety for your partner.

Go well!

Keep practising. It's worth it.

Hilary @ goodtherapy

PS: A thought! Whenever I read or create couples-therapy resource stuff like this, I often think, "this is also useful for my relationship with myself!". So, if you think about the times that you might offer a 'still face' to yourself - see if you can translate that to ways in which you can show up to yourself in more connecting / loving ways.