The idea of love languages has helped many couples identify the ways in which they prefer to give and receive love. By categorising these into: acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, and gift-giving, this framework can offer a useful starting point for understanding. As useful as this can be, it also has its limitations.
Too often, "love languages" can sometimes be used as an excuse to avoid the real work of love. "That’s just not my language," some might say, as if this absolves them of the effort required to meet their partner where they are. This mindset risks turning what could be a tool for connection into a barrier that keeps both stuck in negative cycles of disconnection.
In truth, love is not about mastering a particular "language" but about listening deeply and responding to what matters most to your partner. The real work of love lies in stepping outside your own preferences and learning to act in ways that feel meaningful to the other. Real love asks us to be present, flexible, and willing to grow - even when that mode of being or giving isn't your natural game. It’s not about abandoning who you are, but about expanding your capacity to connect. Secure and fulfilling relationships are built not on predefined categories but on mutual understanding, effort, and care.
This deeper view of love resonates with philosopher Hegel’s insight that “love is the consciousness of the unity of two beings.” Genuine love isn’t just about chemistry or shared interests—it’s about being with someone who makes you feel more like yourself, not less. Philosopher Alain de Botton put it aptly: “True love is a kind of admiration that has caught fire.” In genuine love, we don’t simply tolerate each other’s flaws; we understand the stories behind them and we enfold that person and their being in understanding and care.
British philosopher Julian de Medeiros spoke recently on the profound truth captured by social psychologist Erich Fromm: “Love is not a feeling. It is a practice.” According to de Medeiros, someone who truly loves you is willing to make the effort, to put in the work that love demands. It’s not just about liking someone; it’s about committing to them and doing the inner work to be open, honest, and communicative. Fromm argued that love requires patience, discipline, and faith, but most importantly, a willingness to overcome narcissism. Without this practice, love risks being trivialised as a fleeting sentiment or infatuation. True love grows over time, with roots that run deep so the branches can reach high.
Genuine love, then, is about expansion, not compromise. It’s not about losing parts of yourself to meet your partner’s needs but about discovering new dimensions of who you are together. The Japanese concept of *kintsugi* offers a beautiful metaphor: the art of repairing broken pottery with gold, making it more beautiful for having been broken. True love doesn’t just accept your broken parts; it transforms them into something extraordinary.
The idea of love languages can be a helpful introduction to understanding differences in relationships, but don't make them a destination or endpoint. The true essence of love lies in the willingness to grow alongside your partner, to meet them in their wholeness, and to create a relationship that nurtures both people. Love isn’t about speaking the perfect language or expecting your partner to do so. It’s about each of you learning to listen and respond with care, time, and intention. Of giving your partner grace, listening beyond your initial reactions. All of this and more is the real work of love—and it’s what makes it so powerful.

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