Get Your Needs Met & Care for the Relationship too!

The stuff below was not written by me, but I really appreciated it's wisdom! However, there are a couple of things I would like to add!

Check in with Where You're At

If you wish to ask for a need to be met by your partner, don't do it when you are feeling angry. You will likely sound critical and this almost guarantees that the outcome you want is less likely to happen.

Don't Open New Tabs

As in "you always..."... or... "you did this last week and also last month...".... or perhaps ... "Oh yeah, and here are other annoying things you do also!" You will simply overwhelm your partner, perhaps shame them, and generally you'll make it really hard for them to give you what you want.

And the objective here is to learn over time to communicate in ways where YOU CAN GET YOUR NEEDS MET!... and care for the relationship at the same time.

It's called Relational Mindfulness.

Now, all this stuff also applies to any relationship in your life. With your children, with your colleagues, friends, parents, etc. Now, of course all you can do is your part: none of this guarantees a particular response from the person you are attempting to communicate healthily with. Generally, when people are spoken to with respect, with an intention to care for the connection, you'll get a better result.

It's also worth noting that in relationships where there has been a history of criticism, harsh voice tones and/or hurtful communication patterns, it can sometimes take a while for new patterns to be trusted. Try and give them the benefit of the doubt if you have both made an agreement to communicate with each other in ways that connect. These are new habits. Point out (with grace & softness) whats not working, and remember that this stuff is not easy. If you can, don't add fuel to the fire.

Hilary

PS: I reckon this is also useful to apply to the ways in which we communicate to ourselves. Developing an emotionally safe relationship with yourself is so so important!

_________________________________________________________________________

It's a tragic fact that many couples destroy their relationships trying to get their needs met.

When your needs are met, you feel safe, secure, loved.

Simple.

The trouble begins when needs aren't being met.

Because needs have a language, and how you speak this language determines what happens next. Will it be...

• Connection or conflict?

• Intimacy or distance?

• Love or resentment?

Many of us learned to speak our needs in the crudest possible way…

Through shame and blame.

"You're so selfish, you never think about anyone but yourself"

This is the language of pain.

It believes that if we make someone feel bad enough about themselves, they'll magically transform into who we wish they would be. It's also how many of us were spoken to as children. And it doesn't work. Shame evokes defence. Defence provokes conflict. Conflict creates resentment.

Critical Feedback

Then there is the more 'sophisticated' approach…Critical feedback.

"You need to start taking responsibility for your actions. I don't trust you when you don't do what you say you will."

This feels more mature. We're not attacking character, just pointing out what needs to change. Calmly. Clearly. We are just speaking the truth, letting them know their mistake so they can do something about it. Any reaction they have to this just shows how immature THEY are... right?

But underneath the civilised language, it's still the same impulse: If I show you what you're doing wrong, you'll do it right (and meet my need). This creates a subtle hierarchy. I am the parent, you are the child. I am right, you are wrong. And something in the human soul recoils from being spoken down to by someone we love.

Vulnerably Expressing Needs

For those who don't want to spend their life nagging and criticising comes the relating breakthrough that you will find in thousands of reels, posts and books. Vulnerably expressing needs.

"I feel anxious when plans suddenly change, it's confusing and disorienting. Can you let me know what happened and why it changed?"

Here we own our experience completely. No blame, no criticism, no wrong-making. Just our truth and our need. It's a huge win to start relating this way, and this can shift a relationship completely from distress to reconnection. It's also where most relationship advice ends.

The Language of Desire

But there's one more advanced level, for those who don't want to just sustain a relationship... and instead truly thrive. The language of desire.

"I love how close we get when we really talk. I want more deep conversations with you."

The orientation shifts from what's missing to what we want more of.

Not: "You aren't helping enough"

Instead: "I want to be on a team with you"

Can you feel the difference?

When we speak from desire, something profound happens. The other person's nervous system completely relaxes. Instead of bracing against criticism or scrambling to fix problems, they get to step into the joy of giving to someone who already appreciates what they provide. This generates more. More generosity. More gratitude. More love. This is one of those secret keys that transforms everything.

"I want more of you"

vs

"You aren't giving me enough."

~ full attribution to Damien Bohler from Evolve Relating. (written by a human)