Love Lives in the Little Things

Closeness doesn’t evaporate overnight ... it fades away in the small spaces where we forget to see each other.

The small little things we stop noticing and doing; tiny gestures before leaving the house, the things that go unseen or unnoticed. The everyday micro-moments of paying attention that might seem meaningless, but in reality speak volumes to our nervous systems.

Researchers and therapists like the well-known couples therapists John and Julie Gottman, have studied long-term relationships and identified what they call ‘bids for connection.’ These are the small ways partners reach out, and the ways that we respond. Turning toward each other in these moments, even in tiny gestures, is the heartbeat of a relationship.

Miss enough of them, and the body quietly decides: “I’m alone here”... "I'm not safe". This doesn't happen in any dramatic way, but instead it happens over time in more subtle, cumulative ways that slowly (and sadly) eat away at closeness, intimacy, and relational safety.

So - we need to take the focus off perfect date nights or epic romantic gestures (though those are all lovely!) and place our attention more of these very ordinary moments where love is either fed or starved. When our partner’s presence, contributions, communications, and bids go unacknowledged, a reduction in feelings of connection often follows - and that can be a slippery slope. All those things that come so very easily to us all at the start of a relationship - we simply can't stop paying attention to everything back then! - are the things which start to wane over time... and this is where the problems arise.

Another vital way to effectively using this powerful tool of attention can be found in genuine curiosity about your partner’s inner world. Asking questions, showing interest, paying attention to what they’re thinking and feeling: Not just 'how was work'? Perhaps 'what’s frustrating you?'... 'What made you smile today?'...'What are you reading, dreaming about, or wrestling with?'. This kind of interest is far more than just conversation. They are in fact the daily work of love and they signal very important things:

I see you.

I care.

You matter. 

And that kind of granular attention is what builds the emotional safety and connection that love thrives on.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately; noticing how easy it is to stop truly seeing each other. How even when I so desire connection, when life is hard, it slips through the cracks.

Keeping love alive is not just about feeling it; it’s about the deliberate small acts of noticing, of responding, of showing up in these micro-moments.

Love is a verb.

Notice more. Respond more. Acknowledge more. Ask more. These small acts provide the foundation upon which love is built - you'll find that these acts of Intentional Attention powerfully contribute to the life in your love. Your partner will feel seen, not ignored.

Love doesn’t vanish.

It starves.

And the most powerful way to feed it is with Attention.

Watering Your Relationship

This morning, before leaving for work, I went down to water the vege garden - and the little flower bed I always plant out in summer. As I stood there, giving these tiny plants the attention they need to flourish, I had a moment of clarity. Without this water, they would wither. If I want them to grow, to flower, to live, they need tending (yes that's them at the top of this post... they're feeling good!). They need noticing. Relationships aren’t so different.

If your partner has been clear about the kind of “watering” they need (the small acts of attention, care, or responsiveness that help them thrive) and you continue to ignore those requests (assuming they’re not unreasonable), it’s worth asking yourself a very honest question:

“Why?”

Sometimes the answer is simple. Sometimes it’s uncomfortable. It might be, as couples therapist Stan Tatkin from the PACT Institute puts it, that you’re being “Too Difficult.” I'd encourage you to read the article I’ve linked to below.  See if you can spot where you might fit into that description. It’s painfully easy to see where ones partner is being too difficult, and far harder to see our own moments of rigidity, avoidance, or unresponsiveness.

PACT (the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy) reminds us that relational safety lies at the foundation of secure functioning in couples. Without safety, partners stop turning toward each other; and the relational garden slowly dries out.

Both partners have equal responsibility to:

1. Communicate their needs clearly (and yes - let go of the fantasy of mind-reading).

2. Listen to and respond to their partner’s requests, and follow through where it matters; to them.

Water your relationship with small, regular acts of attention. It pays off ... every time.

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From the PACT Institute: All People Are Difficult, But You Shouldn’t Be Too Difficult