Compassion: The Fuel for Change

“Compassion is the courage to be vulnerable with ourselves.” ~ Sarah Macklin

I've noticed something interesting over the years that I have sat with people in my role as Counsellor. No matter what issue, grief, difficulty or desire for change that someone may come in to speak with me about, there is one thing that helps with everything.

I have also noticed that there are some unhelpful beliefs people often hold about this thing, which can act as real barriers in terms of them being able to access the power of this thing for themselves. That thing is Self-Compassion, and the unhelpful beliefs come in many forms - but mostly

Self-compassion is not about letting yourself off the hook. It’s not “oh well, never mind” when you’ve made a mess of something. It’s not bubble baths, affirmations, or pretending you feel wonderful when you don’t. If that’s what you’ve been told, no wonder it felt irrelevant and a bit floppy and useless. 

The self-compassion I’m talking about - the kind at the very heart of my counselling practice - is far more demanding and in fact more transformative than that. 

It is the primary fuel for meaningful change.

A Belief That Keeps Many People Stuck

Many of us were raised to believe that self-criticism keeps us in line. That being hard on ourselves drives improvement.

"Harden up!"

"Don’t make excuses!"

The problem is that it doesn’t work. Harsh self-criticism simply does not motivate - it freezes us. When we attack ourselves for failing, our energy shifts into self-protection: defending our ego, avoiding risk, numbing discomfort. We’re no longer moving toward change, we are now managing a threat - and that threat is ourselves! 

Check out this short animated video on our Autonomic Nervous System and how self-evaluation (which is experienced as a threat) can impact upon us.

There’s a real irony here. People who are the hardest on themselves often have the least accurate view of themselves, because they can’t bear to take the risk of looking too closely. Thats because true self-knowledge requires relational safety - a safe relationship with the self. Self-compassion provides that safety: a loving and compassionate lens which allows one to look at the self with love and understanding.

What Self-Compassion Actually Is

Self-compassion is the willingness to be present with your experience without flinching or catastrophising. It is seeing yourself clearly - yes, even all your failures, fears, contradictions - and meeting what you find with steady and honest care.

Think of how you would respond to a dear friend. Not a cheerleader insisting everything is fine. Not a critic who is cataloguing flaws. Instead, a friend who can say: “Yes, that was hard. Yes, you got that wrong. I’m still here. Let’s look at it.”

Developing that kind of relationship with yourself is not narcissism. It’s a grounded, honest friendship with who you actually are. Not the false-self idealised version, or the diminished version that your inner critic insists you are.

The Courage It Requires

Self-compassion is not soft. It takes courage.

When something goes wrong, we tend to run quickly into denial, self-attack, addictions, compulsions, distractions, isolation or busyness. All of these keep us from actually feeling what happened; these strategies keeping us distanced from our own experience, and distanced from ourselves. It is just like if we were to abandon a dear friend if they were to come to us for comfort & support. When we lack self-compassion, we are abandoning ourselves. Self-compassion asks you to stay and be a good friend to yourself. To let the embarrassment, grief, disappointment or fear land, without immediately trying to silence it or distance yourself from it. The capacity to be vulnerable with yourself and to feel those difficult feelings is one of the braver things you will do in this life.

The Fuel for Hard Things

In my practice, I have come to know this deeply: self-compassion makes difficult things possible. 

Not willpower. Compassion.

Take the conversations that people commonly avoid - like setting a boundary with a parent, naming hurt to a friend, speaking honestly to a partner. Asking for support. Underneath the avoidance is usually fear: that they are too sensitive, too demanding, or that these feeling will be invalidated or rejected. And so we avoid. 

When people develop self-compassion, those conversations become much more possible: not easy, but more possible. Because whatever happens, the difference is that they won’t abandon themselves afterward.

The same is true for physical health. Most people know full well that exercise, nourishing food, and good sleep matter. But you simply cannot sustain caring behaviours from a place of self-contempt. Lasting practises of caring for the body needs to flow from a person who believes that they are worth caring for.

Shame and Remorse

I'd like to make a distinction between shame and remorse. Shame, and in particular 'self-shaming' is one of the primary barriers to developing a robust self-compassion practise. Remorse is something different.

Remorse says: I did something wrong. 

Shame says: I am something wrong.

They feel similar, but they lead to very different outcomes.

Remorse, held with compassion, is useful. It points to what needs repair and motivates change. Shame collapses the person inward. It paralyses, or it has people expressing with defensivenss and blame as a protection. Shame grows in self-attack, and it shrinks under compassion.

A strong self-compassion practice allows you to hold remorse without tipping into shame. It means we can say: "Yes, I got that wrong"... "I can look at that"... "I can do differently"... "I can ask for help".  

That's compassion.

Building the Practice

This doesn’t happen overnight. If you’ve spent years in a hostile relationship with yourself, building a genuine-friendship-with-you takes time, care, presence and intention. Just like any friendship. Here are a few suggestions:

Simply notice the harsh inner voice without becoming it. 

When you make a mistake, what does the voice say? Most people are amazed by its harshness. The first act of compassion is simply noticing it.

Ask yourself: what would I say to a friend? 

If someone you loved were going through this, what would you want them to know? Practise directing that toward yourself.

Stay with discomfort. 

When something painful arises, try (even briefly) to sit with it. Breathe. You are not trying to get rid of the feeling. This is where you practise not abandoning yourself when difficult feelings arise. Allow them. You know that you'd not turn away from an upset friend.

Recognise common humanity. 

Struggle, failure, inadequacy... these are universal experiences. You're not uniquely flawed; which is rather a relief! Feel grounded in the reality of your humanness.

Reach out for support. 

For many people, especially those who lacked models of healthy self-regard, this work is difficult alone. Good friendships, seeing a therapist - these both offer a space to be vulnerable and experience compassion from another person, which is such a great help for building this within the self... internalising self-compassion.

Last Thoughts...

In the difficult times, our turning points rarely come from great ephiphanies, amazing new strategies or surges of willpower.

More often, it comes when someone stops fighting with themselves, and turns toward themselves with an attitude of love, understanding and kindness (and all that this might entail).

Living in ways that lead to distress (distress to body, mind or soul) are fundamentally unkind.

It's those moments of compassionate self-regard that I see is where change often begins. Not because this moment will necessarily make life easy, but because it makes a person available to their own life.

Compassion helps people to engage, Shame breeds avoidance. Compassion helps us to connect to and act from our values. Self-compassion is not just soft & fluffy. It's not just being indulgent.

It is potent, honest, and transformative - and it is the truest fuel for change I know.

Hilary Jackson - goodTherapy

March 2026

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One of the clearest signs that you’re healing is that you’re no longer organising your life around avoiding fear or shame.

You’re willing to get things wrong, to look foolish, to be seen messing up.

You show up even when you’re trembling and unprepared.

You speak without rehearsing every damn line.

You step into new experiences, whether you feel ready or not.

The old sensations still come, of course. The flush of heat. The drop in the stomach. The tightness in the chest.

The voices in the head that sometimes shout.

Good. You’re alive!

But shame is no longer who you are.

It’s a visitor. A passing feeling that moves through you.

You stay. You meet it. You breathe. You let it move.

Healing from shame does not mean it disappears completely. It means that you stop obeying it or building your life around avoiding it. You can feel it and keep going. It does not get the final say. It does not pull the strings in your life.

That’s how you know shame is no longer your master:

You can be seen in your imperfection and remain whole.

- Jeff Foster