You don’t need better intentions. You need better language

Most couples in conflict don’t need better intentions. They need better language. Not polished communication. Not “use your I-statements.”

We need phrases that will help us to:

• interrupt argument escalation

• lower your partners defensiveness

• signal that you are seeking to understand (even if you don't agree)

• stop your negative cycle in its tracks so it doesn't take over and ruin your day / evening / entire weekend!

There's some real-life practical examples below to help you do just that. This kind of language shift always has positive repercussions in your relationship life. These are some of the practises of Relational Mindfulness.

The examples below are grounded in solid relationship research. They are not scripts to sound calm; instead they are real strategies that offer you the real opportunity to change what happens next between you and your partner.

These are for those moments when you feel yourself:

– getting sharper

– over-explaining

– shutting down

– trying to win instead of connect

Using different words will give you different outcomes.  Try it and see! If you sincerely wish for more connection & closeness with your partner, you'll do well to start letting go of needing to be right, and instead focus on being in right relationship instead.

A Few Examples to Get You Started

“Here’s where I think I contributed to us getting stuck / things going south”.

Repair research from the Gottmans shows us clearly that bringing in some self-responsibility always shortens conflict-recovery time.

“I don’t need you to agree - I need you to see why this matters to me”

Gottman research: Validation, even when you don't agree with each other, reinforces and stabilises the bond between you.

“Lets work on fixing the pattern, rather than focusing on accuracy (often on each others words and sentences)”

Research shows that couples often get stuck correcting moments (the high road to further conflict!), instead of addressing their negative cycles of communication.

“What did you hear me say just now?”

Research shows that it's often misinterpretation - and not disagreement - that often drives most conflict cycles.

“Let me say that again without the edge”

Its clear from repair research that any efforts to reset your voice tone often has a much greater impact on creating more safety than working on perfect wording.

“What would help this situation / us feel 10% safer right now?”

Polyvagal Theory research shows that PARTIAL safety is actually enough to change the energy between you. Reach for more safety.